My Barbecue: F.A.Q.

When is the barbecue?

The barbecue begins the moment the Grill Master wakes up on Saturday, which is usually around 7 A.M. The actual grilling won’t begin until 3 or 4 P.M., so there’s no need to arrive before then. You should just know that the Grill Master will have been mentally preparing for hours at that point.

Who is the Grill Master of this barbecue?

You may also know the barbecue’s Grill Master as the Baron of Burgers, the Duke of Hot Diggity Dogs, and the Congressional Aide of Chicken Kebabs. Or, simply, Kevin.

Where is the barbecue being held?

The barbecue will take place in the shared green space in front of the Grill Master’s new condo (situated across the street from where the Grill Master used to dry dock his houseboat before the Grill Mishap).

Will the Grill Master be wearing a boring old apron at the barbecue?

No, the Grill Master will not don a nondescript apron. In fact, just the opposite.

How many apron changes can we expect to see from the Grill Master at the barbecue?

The Grill Master will change his apron as many times as he pleases and refuses to commit to an exact number, but you can expect to see no fewer than five aprons with funny sayings on them, rated from G to XXX. The Grill Master refuses to be censored, as this is his art, so you may want to stay home if you can’t handle sausage humor or playful ribbing of rib-hating vegans.

Can we refer to the Grill Master by his God-given name at any point during the barbecue?

Yes and no. When the Grill Master is performing grill-master duties (getting the grill going, grilling, making sure everyone is fed and having a good time), he must only be referred to by his title. Remember, in the realm of this barbecue, he is God. So do not question him or the title he bestowed upon himself. If he seems to be on fire, however, “Kevin” is perfectly fine.

Can I bring anything to the barbecue?

The only thing you need to bring is yourself and whatever friends and family you can round up (the more, the merrier)! The Grill Master’s got everything covered, though a few extra sides couldn’t hurt. And anything you want to drink. The Grill Master will have some brews in the big cooler, but you know how quickly those go when he’s in barbecue mode. Speaking of the cooler, you can never have enough ice. It’s looking like it’s going to be a scorcher, so don’t forget to bring your swimsuit and maybe a couple of fun pool toys. The Grill Master doesn’t have a pool, but, if enough people want to chip in, we can go in on an above-ground pool together. In-ground, if there’s enough interest. Though, we’d need to put up a protective fence around it to keep young children and the family of raccoons that lives in the Grill Master’s back yard from going in. That can all be figured out day-of, of course, but don’t forget to bring a blunt object to protect yourself from the raccoons. They used to only be a problem at night, but now, thanks to the delicious smells coming from the Grill Master’s grill, they can be seen running around during the day, foaming at the mouth. Desserts are always a hit, as well.

Will there be any vegan-friendly options at the barbecue?

The Grill Master isn’t crazy about the idea but is willing to accommodate anyone if it means more bodies to keep the raccoons at bay.

What if the raccoons commandeer the grill and takeover the barbecue?

Although the Grill Master acknowledges that whoever tames the flames runs the fun, he will only allow another Grill Mishap over his cold, dead, novelty-apron-clad body.

How could we possibly move on if the Grill Master didn’t make it out of the barbecue alive?

If the Grill Master is to go down with his barbecue, bury him upside down and rest easy knowing that he’s using the fires of Hell to cook up some brats.