Trump Orders Pence to Find Passage in Bible Where Jesus Tells People to Get the Hell Out
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people “to get the hell out of here,” White House sources confirmed on Monday. According to the sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and…
The Audio App That’s Transforming Erotica
Not long ago, my co-worker Josh Rothman and I each listened to several hours of audio erotica—a broad swath of podcasts and such—as research for a proposed story about “sexy self-care.” Erotic podcasts, like many genres of podcast, have been booming in recent years, and, in theory, it was a fun story idea. Josh likes…
Conservative Nationalism Is Trumpism for Intellectuals
On the final night of this past week’s National Conservatism Conference, Senator Josh Hawley—a graduate of Stanford and Yale and a former instructor at an English private school—warned the attendees gathered in the ballroom of the Ritz-Carlton in downtown Washington, D.C., about the threat of élite cosmopolitanism. “The politics of those left and right have…
Between the Moon and Woodstock
Anyone old enough to remember the moon landing, fifty years ago today, is also old enough to remember what was said about the moon landing while it was happening. At the time—the very height of the Vietnam War, when the establishment that had sent up the rocket faced a kind of daily full-court-press rebellion, from…
Why Mark Sanford Might Challenge Donald Trump
In 2009, Mark Sanford, a South Carolina Republican, was probably the best-known governor in America. Sanford, who served in the House of Representatives before winning the governorship, was in his second term when his staff couldn’t reach him or determine his whereabouts for several days. Sanford had said that he would be hiking the Appalachian…
There Is Nothing Strategic About Trump’s Racism
White House reporters have been looking into the circumstances surrounding Donald Trump’s hateful tweetstorm from last weekend, which targeted four Democratic congresswomen, and their findings are clear: “This wasn’t a planned strike, according to one person familiar with the matter,” the Wall Street Journal’s Michael C. Bender reported. “The President posted his message a few…
Lyndon Johnson’s Unsung Role in Sending Americans to the Moon
Lyndon Johnson did not blend easily into a crowd. At six feet three inches tall and more than two hundred pounds, he was a towering figure, physically and otherwise, and when he came upon a group of people, his instinct was to address them, or to throw himself into the scrum and become its focus,…
Trump Denies Being at North Carolina Rally
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump attempted to further distance himself from a racist chant shouted at a North Carolina campaign rally earlier this week by denying that he had attended the rally. “I wasn’t there,” Trump told reporters at the White House on Friday. “If I had been there, you can be sure I…
The Pelosi-Versus-Squad Paradigm
After President Trump said that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her allies in the House, all women of color, should “go back” to where they came from, the conflict between House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Ocasio-Cortez’s “Squad” was suspended. But the underlying rift between the progressive insurgents and the establishment of the Democratic Party remains, on issues…